“Relationship and deep connection with others is one of the most basic and vital concepts to master in order to live a balanced life. Many of us in Western culture still measure success by what we do, rather than by who we are in the pursuit and accomplishment of our goals and in our interactions with others. Our society is constructed by the way we relate and communicate with each other and express who we are and what we want. To effectively communicate in any medium, and to express our own unique vision in everything we do, we need to be present.”

I thought I would share the first paragraph from Day 20 of my book 30 DAYS TO A NEW YOU: Get What You Want Through Authentic Change, so that if you haven’t read the book, you can get a glimpse of some of the writing, and if you have read the book, it can be a reminder that our relationships with others create our immediate world.

We want to ask ourself, in the present, right now, who are we in relationship with others? If you’ve read 30 DAYS or worked one-on-one with me, you know that the extension of that concept is to then ponder that who and how you are with others is who and how you are with yourself. Our world is so much richer when we stretch our perimeter and open up to others; first, though, we must trust and be open with ourself. And when we allow others to enter, to contribute their input and influence, we become even bigger and get to experience, full circle, trust, fulfillment, and other healthy modus operandi.

On the theme of relationships, Maria from Toronto sent the most interesting question. I invite you to read both the question and the answer with curious intention and the inquiry “How does this apply to me?”

Q&A
Q. How do I keep my natural positive outlook on life, even though my marriage has ended amicably after 20 years and I don’t want this experience to taint my future relationships?  —Maria from Toronto

Dear Maria, thank you for reaching out and for asking such an interesting question. Even though you’ve ended your long-term marriage amicably, a lot of issues still come up with the termination of any important relationship.

The breaking-up experience generally reinforces in us an unconscious need to self-preserve by holding back in future relationships, sometimes building a fortress—emotional or physical (e.g., weight gain, isolation)—to protect ourself from getting hurt. Such fortresses end up hurting us, though, because we don’t present ourself to the world in our true beauty and magnificence; we are, instead, withdrawn and broken.

We think we only self-protect in relationships with the opposite sex; however, how we do anything is how we do everything. Chances are, the fortress you built for one relationship is there for all your relationships. Right now, ask yourself how and when you’ve done that. Let go of the judgment; we are here to observe.

If we handle all our breakups as a learning experience and grasp the lessons we need to learn about ourself, there’s no need, then, to be protected. We simply, naturally move on, enriched by the experience, liberated, not scarred, by what we have learned, with greater discernment in our thinking and acting.

In our understanding that there’s no failure, that everything is learning, we still want to surrender to the grieving process, to fully experience our loss. Grief powerfully softens us into a more open place of being.

The question here, for Maria and also for you, is: Do you trust?

I have noticed that people do or they don’t. If you trust, you can be disappointed, you can make judgment mistakes, you can break up, and yet, you trust. When you trust, you simply trust. No one has to prove anything to you; trust is a way of life and so you trust in yourself, others, and the universe. Things can still go sideways, though when you trust, you move with the flow more easily and embrace the learning experience with gratitude.

When you don’t trust, you vigilantly look for evidence that people are trustworthy, that they honor and appreciate you. Others endlessly have to prove themselves to you; your love is reactive and conditional on their behavior. If you don’t trust, then you always live your life in a fortress, on the defense, waiting for someone to hurt you so you can justify hiding inside the walls even longer. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maria, what would it be like for you to embrace the natural grieving process of loss, maintain your natural positive outlook, and consciously choose to trust? Pay attention to all your interactions, with men and women, and discern whether you tend to trust or hold back. Once you have this awareness, you have choice: to intentionally trust and stay open, to allow others to contribute to you, to expand from the many experiences shared in relationship.

Thanks for reading Luna News. I’m proud to support people in their growth and to be supported in my growth. It’s because of people like you that I have the opportunity to write books that move people along their journey. If you haven't read 30 DAYS TO A NEW YOU: Get What You Want Through Authentic Change, pick it up for the summer and/or register for the
30 DAYS TO A NEW YOU E-course, so that you can create your formula of success and intentionally design the life you are meant to live!